So Many Lessons

Two weeks ago there was an incident that just astonished and touched almost everyone. Here was a “for real” incident that has multiple lessons for us all. I am referring to the incident of bullying on a bus of middle school students in New York State. I’ve waited to write to give the incident the thought and attention it deserves. By necessity the media has moved on. This is too enormous of a social issue (s) to not forget but rather use for moving forward toward all that positive change people are talking about. This article is a reminder and nudge. It was interesting to note how various media outlets introduced this story. Some used the delicate word “taunt” while others used the word “bullying”- labeling this situation for exactly what it was. This was not a classroom role play, or an enactment of bullying, this was the real thing- Bullying. Mrs. Klein (the adult) stayed responsible in this situation. Anyone reading her body language saw her hurt and frustrated as she remained appropriate. Her tone of voice also showed signs of frustration and sadness. She modeled what we tell children to do- an equivalent to “if you can’t say something nice don’t say anything”. She couldn’t leave the situation or” walk away” as adults often tell children to do. When the reporters talked to her afterward she honestly spoke of what she (and many of us watching) felt which was anger, frustration, and hurt. She was willing to verbalize and share how she truly felt. Many people would have handled the situation by escalation which would probably have ended in a law suit. Mrs. Klein used the voice of reason and chose to handle the situation (difficult as it was) in an appropriate manner- and therefore being a role model for many who perhaps need reminders of communication skills, anger management, and knowledge that lashing back is not the answer to bring a situation to a close. There is an understanding here that a 12 year old loves to experiment with words, and are often looking for reaction, even the “mob” mentality. However, the words we all heard were extremely cruel and hurtful. The intensity of the words and the time duration were a surprise to most people. There seemed to be a feeling by the participants that no does not mean no, but becomes a challenge to question and push, with no respect for the person chosen to attack. There is a show of disconnecting here for those boys (and definitely not unique to just them). There was a lack of compassion, concern, and apparently no reading of body language or understanding of emotional pain in their target’s voice. Is there an understanding of the strong response the boys are seeing in the public? It appears that the boys have not learned the social lesson that the situation and people involved make a difference in choice of actions, tone of voice or even type of response. There is no understanding that someone speaks (and behaves) differently with friends, than with parents or adults or that a situation affects how one should conduct his/herself. These are all social lessons we need to learn and practice. The comment by one young man who said first that he did it because everyone was doing it (posting videos) is certainly not unique. The same young man’s comments afterward after viewing the video and mentioned that he would not like that to happen to his grandmother was a show of disconnect. Even the written apologies we are told were short and brought to mind a small child who says “sorry” with eyes down and on the run. The one parent who spoke with reporters appeared in shock. None of us want to think our children are being disrespectful and being the bullies. It was impressive that he talked about making the child watch it with him. For many parents who aren’t listening when teachers, administrators, and others hint to the fact that some of a child’s behavior is not stellar- what an opening for family discussions rather than dismissing the opinion. With the knowledge that there are bullies and victims out there, it becomes more important to consciously learn how to handle aspects of the social part of living. In many antibullying programs, there is recognition of the role of those on the sidelines. We all are bystanders; yes all of us who have seen the video. This incident makes bullying very real. This is not an isolated incident. We all realize something needs to be done and because we are bystanders we too need to respond. The financial outpouring was one way, talking about it with children of all ages is another, helping those working with children to implement anti bullying programs, are part of the obvious involvement- not forgetting but moving forward to help victims have a voice is another. Governors in many states (including mine) have signed antibullying legislation. I hope this incident helps everyone realize Bullying is not just an issue for state legislators and not a school issue but a social issue that needs to be addressed. Bullying comes in many faces and many layers of social skills: body language, communication, the meaning of bullying, the swift reaction of many, respect for others of all ages, disconnect, intolerance of differences, etc. Yesterday the consequences for the behavior on the bus were handed out by the school district. The school officials gave thought to the situation. The boys will not soon forget their behavior, being suspended from that school for a year, a socialization program, and community service. We all saw and we all could identify with someone involved in that situation. The sad part is that we all are bystanders to other scenarios. Let’s use this incident and others as teaching/learning tools for our children and some adults we know by talking about it. Listen to the children’s responses- they need help in understanding situations. Help others realize bullying is not the answer. So implications for all of us- use this teachable moment to help find solutions. Consider it.