So Many Lessons

Two weeks ago there was an incident that just astonished and touched almost everyone. Here was a “for real” incident that has multiple lessons for us all. I am referring to the incident of bullying on a bus of middle school students in New York State. I’ve waited to write to give the incident the thought and attention it deserves. By necessity the media has moved on. This is too enormous of a social issue (s) to not forget but rather use for moving forward toward all that positive change people are talking about. This article is a reminder and nudge. It was interesting to note how various media outlets introduced this story. Some used the delicate word “taunt” while others used the word “bullying”- labeling this situation for exactly what it was. This was not a classroom role play, or an enactment of bullying, this was the real thing- Bullying. Mrs. Klein (the adult) stayed responsible in this situation. Anyone reading her body language saw her hurt and frustrated as she remained appropriate. Her tone of voice also showed signs of frustration and sadness. She modeled what we tell children to do- an equivalent to “if you can’t say something nice don’t say anything”. She couldn’t leave the situation or” walk away” as adults often tell children to do. When the reporters talked to her afterward she honestly spoke of what she (and many of us watching) felt which was anger, frustration, and hurt. She was willing to verbalize and share how she truly felt. Many people would have handled the situation by escalation which would probably have ended in a law suit. Mrs. Klein used the voice of reason and chose to handle the situation (difficult as it was) in an appropriate manner- and therefore being a role model for many who perhaps need reminders of communication skills, anger management, and knowledge that lashing back is not the answer to bring a situation to a close. There is an understanding here that a 12 year old loves to experiment with words, and are often looking for reaction, even the “mob” mentality. However, the words we all heard were extremely cruel and hurtful. The intensity of the words and the time duration were a surprise to most people. There seemed to be a feeling by the participants that no does not mean no, but becomes a challenge to question and push, with no respect for the person chosen to attack. There is a show of disconnecting here for those boys (and definitely not unique to just them). There was a lack of compassion, concern, and apparently no reading of body language or understanding of emotional pain in their target’s voice. Is there an understanding of the strong response the boys are seeing in the public? It appears that the boys have not learned the social lesson that the situation and people involved make a difference in choice of actions, tone of voice or even type of response. There is no understanding that someone speaks (and behaves) differently with friends, than with parents or adults or that a situation affects how one should conduct his/herself. These are all social lessons we need to learn and practice. The comment by one young man who said first that he did it because everyone was doing it (posting videos) is certainly not unique. The same young man’s comments afterward after viewing the video and mentioned that he would not like that to happen to his grandmother was a show of disconnect. Even the written apologies we are told were short and brought to mind a small child who says “sorry” with eyes down and on the run. The one parent who spoke with reporters appeared in shock. None of us want to think our children are being disrespectful and being the bullies. It was impressive that he talked about making the child watch it with him. For many parents who aren’t listening when teachers, administrators, and others hint to the fact that some of a child’s behavior is not stellar- what an opening for family discussions rather than dismissing the opinion. With the knowledge that there are bullies and victims out there, it becomes more important to consciously learn how to handle aspects of the social part of living. In many antibullying programs, there is recognition of the role of those on the sidelines. We all are bystanders; yes all of us who have seen the video. This incident makes bullying very real. This is not an isolated incident. We all realize something needs to be done and because we are bystanders we too need to respond. The financial outpouring was one way, talking about it with children of all ages is another, helping those working with children to implement anti bullying programs, are part of the obvious involvement- not forgetting but moving forward to help victims have a voice is another. Governors in many states (including mine) have signed antibullying legislation. I hope this incident helps everyone realize Bullying is not just an issue for state legislators and not a school issue but a social issue that needs to be addressed. Bullying comes in many faces and many layers of social skills: body language, communication, the meaning of bullying, the swift reaction of many, respect for others of all ages, disconnect, intolerance of differences, etc. Yesterday the consequences for the behavior on the bus were handed out by the school district. The school officials gave thought to the situation. The boys will not soon forget their behavior, being suspended from that school for a year, a socialization program, and community service. We all saw and we all could identify with someone involved in that situation. The sad part is that we all are bystanders to other scenarios. Let’s use this incident and others as teaching/learning tools for our children and some adults we know by talking about it. Listen to the children’s responses- they need help in understanding situations. Help others realize bullying is not the answer. So implications for all of us- use this teachable moment to help find solutions. Consider it.

Reading

As we all know, reading is an essential skill - the foundation for learning. Learning to read is the very beginning of developing strong literacy. Like any set of skills, reading starts way before a person becomes proficient. Everyone watches children try to crawl by starting to rolling over, being on the tummy (tummy time), learning to move arms, grabbing, eye developments, rocking on all fours, realizing cause and effect, stand by pulling up, wobble, hang on, and take the first steps by walking with help, fall and try again, developing balance, fall, walk a few steps, walk, and finally run, then jump, slide, and skip: practice and persistence all the way. A long sentence to point out the number of accomplishments involved along the way. The same holds true with reading. There are multiple pieces that need to be included for building toward that “goal” of reading, which then builds toward understanding and expression (literacy).
People are very patient and encouraging to a child as he/she learns to move and become fluid in motion and perhaps then becoming even more physically adept. Adults need to be just as patient, encouraging, and helpful with anyone learning to read. It takes lots of time, support, and encouragement as a child becomes a successful reader. The concept that pictures tell a story is an early skill, as well as the idea that the letters (symbols) have sounds that when combined make words like those used in speech.
Without going into detail, there are numerous concepts a child learns prior to entering into “formal” reading. A renowned educational researcher (Patricia Cunningham) refers to the need to be read to over a thousand hours as pre-reading to support many essential skills that then combine to become a reader. This includes lots of conversations about letters, realizing connections, exploring time, experiences and having fun. These steps are just as important for a child as the crawling, pulling up, and practicing to walk.
As with learning any set of skills, everyone has areas of difficulty, strengths of different kinds and therefore conquer these areas at various times. In other words not everyone will be at the same place in learning at the same time. As we teach our young children: everyone is different (unique).
Reading with a child has so many benefits for everyone: emotional connections and relationships and fun that cannot really be measured with data. While sharing an experience (reading) with a child there is conversation and time together. In the car, at a store, on clothing, children can become more aware of print in many places. The setting is casual and comfortable. Some of the concepts that emerge include front to back, left to right, developing eye sweep, recognizing letters, learning the importance of “reading” a picture, being observant, learning a relationship between text and picture. These are the foundations for success at many levels of reading and literacy. Down the road that picture may become a labeled illustration, graph, or chart, (all important for understanding).
For families with older children it continues: family reads and discussions. A friend in college would talk about her family dinners. It started with an article or cartoon being put on the kitchen table during the day. It was the responsibility of everyone in the family to read the article before supper. It became the topic of conversation for part of supper. Skills like conversation, inference, comprehension, persuasion, cause and effect, are literacy ideas that were casually covered. The same for a family book read. Again time together and time to interact.
Please note: For many adults there is an unwritten rule that a book should only be read once. Not true - as a matter of fact when a child asks for the reread of a book it’s because he/she likes it, it makes him/her feel comfortable, and it is the familiar. From a learning point of view the child is beginning to make connections, learning the idea of story, and remembers the enjoyment of sharing it. Often this becomes the first book the child attempts to read on his/her own. If the child has memorized part of the text, that is wonderful.
Enjoy reading newspapers, magazines, computer articles, electronic readers, books, signs, menus, instructions, directions, contracts, t-shirts, etc. Spending time at the library or at home just losing one’s self in a book - old favorite or new is a wonderful and healthy. Sharing with another person is fun.
As many of you realize, March is Reading Month. In Elementary Schools and Libraries across the country it is a time of Celebration. Join the Celebration. What have you read recently? It’s a great habit (and skill) to enjoy - make it personal. Consider it.

Drivers

On January 30th, The West Bloomfield Patch reported 18 traffic accidents after our first snow. Since snow is in the forecast this week, I would especially like to talk about area driving experiences. I use to chuckle when my family from Ohio would tease about the fearless Michigan drivers. I have lived here for over 20 years and do drive- however these past few years drivers seem to have become more…..rude-aggressive. I thought it was just me but driving friends of various ages have actually brought up the point of the rude/aggressiveness on the road.
First discussion was around the speed issue. This area has roads that change speed limits because of schools or going into a different township or even because the road is curved and single lane. Many drivers appear incensed as a driver follows the speed limit and show it in a variety of ways. The driver going the speed limit is often followed by the person who insists on following very close behind as if to push the front car to go faster. A personal experience even had a car following so close that the “passing light” on the driver’s side mirror was on the entire time in a no passing zone- entirely too close for comfort. Those who drive a car with a lower carriage are often intimidated by vans, SUVs, and trucks with a higher ride driving so close the headlights totally lighten the lower car.
Many people have talked about how traffic circles are being handled. As drivers all become comfortable with the traffic circles does anyone see the signs? Many of my friends are conscious of the fact that people are not yet comfortable or don’t seem to know how to handle a traffic circle. I have counted on two hands the times I’m in a circle and someone without looking or yielding drives right into the circle right in front of me and yes I have had to brake.
So why is all this happening: is it society’s general frustration with life, the driver behind wants to be in charge, people are just running late, or is it an emergency? Is this a reaction to wanting to break the rules or the rules are different, or that age old feeling of invincibility? Is it a reaction to stress? Do people need an eye check? Is it the multitasking life our culture is developing? Or so the excuse can be offered that “the person in front of me was driving at the speed limit?”
I remember when I took driving lessons the instructor reminded us “a car can’t stop on a dime” or with physics the bigger the object and the faster it goes the longer it takes to stop. We were taught to drive within a comfortable distance from the car in front. I know some people are more daring than others so maybe drivers need to go back to the car length for every number of miles per hour (it used to be 10)one is driving one needs to be that many car lengths behind. (I.e. 35 miles an hour-3 to 4 car lengths cushion between vehicles.)
I know driving consciously and safely is just one more thing to think about but consider it.

Mail

Have you ever watched the face of a child who receives snail mail? The idea that someone sent a personal communication usually puts a sparkle in the eye and a very wide smile across the face. It’s a realization (conscious or unconscious) that someone cares. ( …… adults respond the same way. )
Person specific notes, letters, and even cards help make and strengthen human connections. A young child usually considers these writings treasures. That paper with a message is something that can be read and re-read many times over- something to take out and read when alone. The receiver of the original mail has a feeling of validity from and an authentic connection with the sender. Most children find a place to save those letters, cards, and notes to pull out and read time and again.

For many children it becomes a natural way to practice reading: reading again and again. Often children want to respond in kind so it is also a natural, purposeful way to encourage writing.

The same is true for our older citizens. As my mom got older, her arthritis and Alzheimer’s meant she could no longer send notes without help. However, as the mail arrived her eyes would sparkle when she would get a letter. Just like a young child, she would take the note out of the envelope with relish. She had a basket beside her chair and looks at her collection of personal mail often. She always said, ”I heard from... I need to write her.” Those letters were the connection to memories in her life. It was important for her to remain connected and in her last years, someone would scribe. Mom came from the era when personal notes were the way to connect and stay connected with others. Receiving a letter was like having a personal conversation with someone – an authentic connection that created a visual in the mind. For many years she talked about how writing letters was an art. Not only for the craft of writing, but as an aside a need for handwriting as well. Handwriting is personal and of course one can recognize that handwritings of close family and friends. Note and letter writing was also a way to communicate more privately; remember the first telephones were party lines - someone could eavesdrop. Mom would share the idea that if one corresponded with others the handwriting would show a person’s feelings as well as the well-chosen words. A personal letter or note was a way to share one’s self.

Mom bemoaned the launch of the internet: e-mail and later social media. We would have lively discussions that e-mail has been an updated version of the note and many of us write more often with the help of the computers. So writing is still a very important way to communicate. Mom would argue that you miss the connection of familiar handwriting and instead see print which is more monotonous; even though easier to read, hence not as personal. Like the party line on the telephone it is easier to eavesdrop!

Many of us save notes, letters and cards we have received over the years. For many of us it is a validation of who we are and our connections. If we receive an e mail that does the same, we save. It is not quite as personal as it becomes part of many e-mails that are in a folder. Perhaps a hard copy is the answer.

Remember that notes, letters, and cards are part of personal history. The people behind those letters are the people that affect you somehow. They respond to your thoughts and actions and share in like kind.
We all experienced the pleasure of receiving a personal note, letter or card as children and young adults. This is a simple idea to give a virtual hug and make a connection with a child or older citizen through a handwritten note, letter, or card. Consider it.

Slow and Steady

We have all found at a time or two that the old proverb “haste makes waste” rings true. I’ve been letting this thought simmer in the back for my mind for a while now. As I watch my grandson I notice that he spends many hours, playing, practicing, repeating, and changing what he is exploring and therefore learning. He picks up both familiar and unfamiliar toys and turns them over and around and looks at objects from all angles, sometimes trying to put them together or sorting them or even rejecting an object for his purposes at the moment – concentrating or focusing on what he is doing. He is deliberate in his actions and does not like to be interrupted. Many times – and days he returns to what he is familiar then checks out new materials, combines and sorts.

Several weeks ago as I climbed into the car, I turned on NPR and there was an interview on the radio. I wasn’t paying attention until I heard a world renowned musician being interviewed. (I so apologize that I didn’t catch his name just the essence of some of his words.) He was explaining his process for learning a piece. The bottom line was when learning a piece – the music is played very slowly and practiced deliberately over and over. The musician's feeling was that he could add speed later but to really understand all the nuances of a piece meant practicing slowly with deliberation.

I liken this to a connoisseur of wine or watching a gourmet savoring food as he/she hand waves the aromas toward the nose, then looks at the presentation of a dish noting texture and appearance, before taking that first forkful which is held on the tongue before swallowing. He/she then knows the bouquet- texture, all the ingredients including the subtle spices. The experts are taking their time to explore and learn about the object being addressed.

These are just two of many incidents where approaching something slowly and deliberately seems to lead to expertise. Both the musician and the gourmet have had the time to truly develop their knowledge and craft by taking the time to take previous knowledge and intentional practice to get acquainted with the newest challenge.

My grandfather would always say “slow down and savor the food.” As a child I never appreciated this as an adult it all fits together. When taking the time to eat there are many, many benefits, from the physical, to the mental health of being able focused and self-confident while gaining intentional and unintentional knowledge.

Children are caught with the speed of life that is being imposed on everyone. It appears that the push is to hurry up, finish, and move on to the next project. There is no time to think, savor, explore, and discover the nuances and patterns of a subject or theme. For individuals to become strong, communicators (oral and written), readers, and mathematicians and develop strategies and thinking skills there needs to be time to develop some deep knowledge and strong thinking skills and strategies. Children who have had the time to practice and become knowledgeable have that old fashioned “foundation”. Then with encouragement the child can speed up, stretch into new areas and tackle with confidence new challenges. This allows children use the knowledge that is secure to work through new material.

Think about it, this is how most people learn. First by looking and watching, then very slowly beginning often exploring with someone supporting, encouraging and offering instruction to follow. Digging back into what is already known then the learner is in need of time for exploring and experimenting with the new information. To really learn a piece of music, or add two digit numbers, or learning to speak, it means going slowly to really understand and develop a sense of the subject and the learning. Lots of practice is involved.

As an observer of young children and educational issues it appears that in general many people are forgetting the need for children to start slowly to practice (a lot), to savor, and to learn the nuances of the basics. When a child is permitted to deliberately exam and interacts with material (real or symbolic) that child develops a “sense” of the learning, knowledge and understanding are increased, and self-confidence develops as affect.

Consider giving our children help, and direction and most of all time to focus, savor, and practice new knowledge (skill) and see how new thoughts fit with what is already known; developing strong habits for learning and a solid foundation – the speed will come later and with high quality.

Financial Questions

This week I heard the astounding fact that 48% of our children are in poverty. I don’t know where to verify the exact number but when we see how many adults are slipping into poverty daily it sounds right. Think of this- that is almost half of the children in this country.

The other news this week is that the members of Congress are again playing “chicken” with everyone’s taxes. The fight is semantics and yet again who can be the “winner”. There are 10 days before everyone’s payroll taxes will increase if nothing is done. Like many voting Americans, my disgust reins. The media has “done the math” and reports with no tax cut there will be an average of $1000 less in take home pay for each working American. That’s a big difference for many – it includes lot of basics (clothing), heating and light, food, or even housing for families and therefore the children. What if choices need to be made between medication and food?

Going a step further- being hungry, not having coats, going to bed when the sun goes down because there is no electricity also means it makes it to be a scholar. Some of the things affected include making it more difficult for children to read, study, do homework to prepare for a rigorous day in school or have a chance to write or play a game (not a video) with a friend. Instead it means going to bed early to stay warm or forget the hunger. In some cities there is not even electricity for the street lights- unfortunately that makes the neighborhood less safe. Yet we expect students (children) to focus, to learn, practice and in the next few years have an even more challenging set of requirements to complete in school. Are we missing connections here?

How many of our soldiers are under the age of 25? How many are coming back and finding their families struggling or in poverty and no sight of jobs? Are we taking care of our own?

And Congress is quibbling over a jobs bill and whether to renew a tax reduction! How many members of Congress grew up in a homeless shelter or moved often to stay ahead of creditors, or lived in a car at times, or found themselves hungry and no nutritious food or in some form of poverty? Are many of our Congressional members truly aware of the current situations of the people that put them in office?

In contrast how much money has been spent on the 2012 campaign for President and Congress? Did the public really need all that has gone on in the name of the 2012 campaigns during 2011? Again how much has been spent on all sides in contrast to what is spent to help children? Only a few states got $ money for education and people think that is ok? What about the other states?

This week is Hanukah as well as Christmas and those with a little extra of their own are giving what they can to help a family member or neighbor or child. A special thanks to public education teachers who spend part of their own salary to make sure there are pencils, notebooks, enough books, and all the basics for every child in his/her classroom. Thanks to those teachers, their families, and others in the local communities that are finding ways to make sure the children in classrooms have clothing, food, heat, early medical care or anything else needed so that the children are able to feel comfortable and able to think about learning. This is so the child isn’t hungry or cold or ill or worried about the family- all of this interferes with learning. (Yes, even younger children worry.) A very special thank you to all the Secret Santas that are showing up around the country. These people are helping others in many ways without expecting publicity. These giving people recognize that the children are our future problem solvers and logical thinkers as well as our leaders. These givers are well aware of the fact that children (and adults) aren’t asking for the frivolous but for things like food, clothing, shelter, warmth, early intervention for good health, and the means to support those basic needs. Why don’t our politicians recognize this?

So again I ask how much campaign money is being spent and could campaigns be more fiscally responsible? I also ask: when will the voice of reason once again prevail?

Occupy- A Different Way

We have all heard of Occupy Wall Street as it has grown and become known around the world. It has gotten lots of media coverage- those involved have been noticed. The weather however is getting “wintery” and the law enforcement short on patience. I would like to make the proposal for a different kind of occupation. WRITING
Part of being a citizen of our great country is having the right to express concerns in a non-violent manner. When watching the various occupy groups it is noted that hand written signs are often involved. Let’s transfer those words to paper or e mail. How about picking up the pen which we all know is “mightier than the sword” and express the concerns of a particular individual. Although snail mail letters are always appropriate, it has become even easier to contact the Senators and Representatives with e mail. Not only could this be for national but the same is true for state and local governments as well. A step further might be to write companies and financial groups.
One of the largest complaints around Occupy Wall Street that the media has highlighted – has been that there hasn’t’ been a single focus but rather everyone seems to have his/her focus of concerns. The loose relationship among the demonstrators seems to be that there is a general discontent with what is happening in the financial world as well as the world of politicians.
By using a letter writing/ e mail campaign each person is able to write from the heart his/her specific concern. It would be great to flood mailboxes and remind those who work for the citizenry what kind of representation is expected. It may have a bigger impact because it is addressed to an individual- it becomes personal from the writer and the reader. Perhaps if the politicians know specific concerns or changes that have the constituent’s attention those constituents can be better represented. (Hopefully)
As a consumer, using the pen often makes an affect. Looked what happened with the petition drive and names collected when several of the banks decided to add yet another fee for the privilege of being a depositor. It is a sure thing that fellow members of the financial world were paying attention. Especially when actions went further with a petition and even people becoming active in using their own money to show displeasure. The media was helpful in highlighting how people were showing the dissatisfaction by moving their business.
The big message here is in an appropriate way – make your ideas known- positive as well as negative. Get in the habit of writing!

Note: The evening I first wrote this article, the national news shared a story about a young lady of 14 who wrote a letter to a producer of video games. Long story short she was able to have the game writers upgrade the game to be more gender neutral.
A friend shared that a former student – now in high school- wrote a letter to the editor of a local newspaper.
Let’s all applaud both young ladies and realize that we are raising a generation that is developing writing skills in schools. Join them and write concerns and occupy the mailboxes.